INT. LOCAL BAR - NIGHT
Calum and Julius are seated at a bar counter.
JULIUS SPECTOR
Man you don’t look great
CALUM RODGERS
I’ve felt better.
JULIUS SPECTOR
Did you trip over a rock?
CALUM RODGERS
Something like that. How is work?
JULIUS SPECTOR
There was a murder the other day, and guess who got assigned to it?
CALUM RODGERS
Fletcher?
JULIUS SPECTOR
Yes Fletcher. All the stories I’m assigned to, bore me to death. Oh, for something interesting. Something that’ll put my name up in lights.
CALUM RODGERS
If you’re looking for me to go into the serial killer business just so you can feel excited about your job, no thanks.
JULIUS SPECTOR
So, how is your writing going?
CALUM RODGERS
Rejection after rejection.
JULIUS SPECTOR
That’s what this business is about even for those with talent.
CALUM RODGERS
Is that code for, I have no talent?
JULIUS SPECTOR
I was in the cafe, when two young kids approached me
CALUM RODGERS
Oh, not again
JULIUS SPECTOR
They’re Santina’s kids, aren’t they?
CALUM RODGERS
I didn’t do anything
JULIUS SPECTOR
And she’s still hot.
CALUM RODGERS
I’m sure she still hates me.
JULIUS SPECTOR
She never hated you. She just didn’t respect you. Or remember you.
CALUM RODGERS
Which is worse?
INT. CLINIC OF DREAMS (DR DRAGO'S OFFICE) - DAY
Jasmine enters Doctor Drago’s office. He is sitting behind a desk.
DOCTOR DRAGO
Welcome Jasmine. Please take a seat.
Jasmine sits down
DOCTOR DRAGO
I’ve been looking over your tests. Need I say that you’ve passed with flying colours.
JASMINE
Does that mean I can start today?
DOCTOR DRAGO
Miss Treacher will hand you some tablets before you leave. I advise that you only take one a night.
JASMINE
What can I dream about?
DOCTOR DRAGO
Anything you want? Romance, luxury, food, fantasies of any kind.
JASMINE
If I dream of eating deserts, will I get fat?
DOCTOR DRAGO
If anything Jasmine, you will lose weight just thinking about it. The great thing about the product we offer is that you remember everything.
JASMINE
It sounds too good to be true.
DOCTOR DRAGO
It is.
JASMINE
I always wanted to go to Venice, Paris...
DOCTOR DRAGO
In your dreams, with this pill you can do anything you want. Of course they don’t come cheap and you will have to sign the terms and conditions.
Doctor Drago hands over a contract and a pen
JASMINE
What is this about heart palpatations and rapid ageing?
DOCTOR DRAGO
It’s standard really. I wouldn’t worry about it. Think of your fantasies coming through.
JASMINE
It seems like such a small price to pay, really.
Jasmine proceeds to sign the contract.
INT. BOWLING ALLEY - EVENING
Santina is bowling with Talia and Jasmine. She takes a bowling ball and throws it badly off target.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Oh, I’ll never be as good as you guys.
ROD walks over to her with a confident cowboy style walk.
ROD: 33, attactive, taller than average, ladies man. Dressed like a cowboy with stetson and cowboy boots
ROD
Well, lady, any woman can learn how to bowl properly. It’s all in the technique.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Would you care to teach me, Mr...?
Two of Rod’s overweight friends look on from their seated positions in the adjoining lane.
ROD
Rod. Why don’t you come over here and take my shot. I’m whooping these guys anyway.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Don’t mind if I do
Rod proceeds to teach Santina how to bowl but makes close physical contact with her. Santina then bowls the ball but it misses again but not as badly. She turns around and kisses Rod.
INT. ROD’S APARTMENT - EARLY MORNING
Santina is in bed when Rod wakes her.
ROD
Come on lady, you’d better go. My missus could be back any time now.
Santina is clearly groggy
SANTINA RAMIREZ
You didn’t mention your wife last night.
ROD
It kind of slipped my mind
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Why can’t I be happy for once? Why me?
ROD
Frankly lady, I don’t give a damn but you have to go.
He pauses
Eh, my wife has been known to drag other women by the hair. And she bites. But she sure makes a mean cup of coffee.
INT. LOCAL SUPERMARKET - DAY
Santina and her children are in the supermarket when Bertie sees Calum.
BERTIE
Hey mom, look its Calum
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Oh, that guy you were always going on about.
CALUM RODGERS
Hi
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Well my kids sure do like you. What happened to your eye?
BERTIE
A really big door fell on top of him and knocked him to the ground.
CALUM RODGERS
Yeah. It was terrifying
BERTIE
Why don’t you ask her out?
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Bertie, he’s not my type.
CALUM RODGERS
That’s ok. Most women find me dull anyway.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
No offence
CALUM RODGERS
None taken. Just what is your type?
BERTIE
She likes bullies and guys that run out on her. Don’t you mom?
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Bertie. No chocolate bars for you today.
FRANCESCA
But it’s true.
BERTIE
You won’t run out on her, will you Calum?
CALUM RODGERS
I’m sorry Mrs Ramirez
SANTINA RAMIREZ
You look ever so familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
CALUM RODGERS
Not that I can think of
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Were you in that dog biscuit commercial?
CALUM RODGERS
Nope, but I do get that a lot.
Calum walks away.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Bertie, I could kill you.
BERTIE
But mom
SANTINA RAMIREZ
He’s a little rough around the edges. He’s not all that handsome and he’s overweight so I don’t need you giving me advice.
INT. LOCAL COMMUNITY CENTRE ROOM 101 - EVENING
HAL BEAUCHAMP is delivering a script writing class to a number of students (Calum, MELFORD HICKS, ELENORE BIGLEY, GINA and DIEGO).
HAL BEAUCHAMP: 49, male, tall, brown and grey hair, slightly overweight, white shirt, brown trousers
MELFORD HICKS: 63, male, white hair and beard, slim, average height
ELENORE BIGLEY: 28, female, dark shoulder-length hair, slightly overweight, short in height.
GINA: 27, female, attractive, long blonde hair, slim, average height, well dressed.
DIEGO, 31, male, short dark hair, brown eyes, tanned skin, tall, slim build.
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Ok before, we finish up, a few of my pointers. Always leave time after each draft to do other things. If that means leaving the script for a year or so, so be it. When you are closer to it you think it’s better than it really is.
MELFORD HICKS raises his hand. Hal acknowledges him.
MELFORD HICKS
When do we get the results of our scripts?
HAL BEAUCHAMP
I don’t know why you’re asking that question Melford, you only wrote five lines.
MELFORD HICKS
Five lines of quality
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Why do you attend this class anyway?
MELFORD HICKS
I was offered a free class. It was either this, knitting class or aerobics class.
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Point number two. Don’t overdo it. Even writers need to have down time or time to do household chores. Otherwise its the fastest way to writers block.
ELENORE BIGLEY puts up her hand. Hal also acknowledges her.
ELENORE BIGLEY
Sir, did you always have writers block?
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Why do you ask?
ELENORE BIGLEY
Well, your most successful film made little over seven hundred bucks at the box office.
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Sometimes we learn more from our failures than our successes Elenore.
ELENORE BIGLEY
But you’ve only had failures sir.
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Let’s leave it there so. I’m going to hand out my reviews with suggested edits and advice.
Hal picks up a SMALL STACK OF FILM SCRIPTS. He hands the first one to Melford
MELFORD HICKS
Try harder? I must have spent at least ten minutes at this Mr Beauchamp.
HAL BEAUCHAMP
You also seem to have used it as a coaster. Please show more respect for my class.
MELFORD HICKS
Coaster? You wouldn’t want me to get my table dirty, now would you?
Hal hands a film script to DIEGO who is leaning back in his chair.
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Diego, its a bit far fetched.
DIEGO
Didn’t you like the bit where the talking pig flew the spaceship to Jupiter
HAL BEAUCHAMP
My point exactly
DIEGO
Haven’t you seen Babe 3: Lost in space?
Hal hands a script to GINA who is smiling contentedly.
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Well Gina, If there are any pointers you want to go over, I can always make time.
DIEGO
Can I come too?
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Only for students who show promise.
ELENORE BIGLEY
And who make his heart race.
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Elenore. Dark as usual.
He hands her the film script
ELENORE BIGLEY
Didn’t you like the sequence set in the torture chamber?
HAL BEAUCHAMP
If you ask me, the entire script was like a torture chamber.
ELENORE BIGLEY
Wait till Freddie Kreuger gets a load of this.
Hal places a film script on Calum’s desk
HAL BEAUCHAMP
Needs a lot more work Calum.
Calum looks at the grade E on his script.
INT. LOCAL BAR - NIGHT
Calum and Julius are seated in a mostly empty bar.
CALUM RODGERS
He gave me an E. I know I’m better than that.
JULIUS SPECTOR
Calum, I’ve read your work. It’s garbage.
CALUM RODGERS
And what have you written?
JULIUS SPECTOR
I’m on my third book.
CALUM RODGERS
I’m sorry Julius. It’s just that I feel like... one day I’ll be successful.
JULIUS SPECTOR
Well, it’s better to dream big than dream small.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE SUPERMARKET - DAY
An OLD WOMAN leaves the supermarket with her HANDBAG in one hand and a BAG OF GROCERIES in the other. Calum is twenty feet behind her.
A THIEF approaches the old woman and tries to steal her handbag. The woman holds on as firmly as she can as her groceries and the contents of her bag partially fall out.
Calum freezes.
FEMALE BYSTANDER: 34, average height, thin, dark hair.
OLD WOMAN: Female, 54, below average height, overweight, partly grey and dark hair.
A FEMALE BYSTANDER looks at Arnold.
FEMALE BYSTANDER
Can’t you just do something?
The man takes the handbag and runs down the street. Calum and the female bystander gather the victims groceries and belongings and hand them to her.
MUGGING VICTIM
My money. My bag. My money.
FEMALE BYSTANDER
Why didn’t you help her?
Calum is in a state of shock and disappointment with himself.
INT. ST FINIANS ELEMENTERARY SCHOOL (CORRIDOR) - DAY
Francesca and Bertie address Calum. Bertie is holding a piece of paper in his hand.
BERTIE
Mr Rodgers can we talk?
CALUM RODGERS
What is it?
BERTIE
Myself and Francesca have been doing some thinking. My mother doesn’t like you.
CALUM RODGERS
She never did.
BERTIE
Well we’d like you to know that we’re looking at other people.
FRANCESCA
Yeah, like Mr Peters.
CALUM RODGERS
Isn’t Mr Peters a bit old.
BERTIE
Well he can still get around with his walking stick. He’s probably got a few more years in him.
FRANCESCA
Well we’ve also got Mr Hadaria on the list.
BERTIE
Didn’t he just get a hip replacement?
BERTIE
Well we’ve got some others.
Bertie shows Calum the paper that is in his hand.
CALUM RODGERS
What’s that?
BERTIE
That’s a duck
FRANCESCA
He likes to doodle.
CALUM RODGERS
Well, I’m relieved that you’ve taken me off the list Bertie, but all of these men are older and..
FRANCESCA
Mr Fernandez said they’ve got experience.
CALUM RODGERS
And why were you talking to Mr Fernandez
BERTIE
Well he knows what he’s talking about. He’s had five wives.
INT. ST FINIANS ELEMENTERARY SCHOOL (CORRIDOR) - DAY
BOBBY BAXTER, a pupil approaches Calum with a toy gun
BOBBY BAXTER: 9, male, average height, messer.
BOBBY BAXTER
Mr Rodgers, put your hands up.
CALUM RODGERS
Bobby what are you doing with a gun? Please don’t shoot.
Bobby Baxter pulls the trigger and a sign saying “bang” comes out.
BOBBY BAXTER
Ha. You were scared Mr Rodgers
CALUM RODGERS
Honestly I wasn’t
BOBBY BAXTER
Mr Rodgers could you look after this gun for me?
CALUM RODGERS
Maybe you should hand it over to the principal.
BOBBY BAXTER
Don’t be such a wuss
Bobby Baxter places it on a window sill
CUT TO:
INT. ST FINIANS ELEMENTERARY SCHOOL (CORRIDOR) - DAY
The kids pour out of the classrooms. A teacher (MISS PEABODY) approaches at the same time that Santina approaches.
MISS PEABODY: 32, female, slim, average height, brown hair, attractive, rule abider.
MISS PEABODY
Mr Rodgers, whose gun is that?
CALUM RODGERS
It’s mine.
MISS PEABODY
Don’t you know that guns are not allowed and are dangerous in a school like this. You could get fired Mr Rodgers.
CALUM RODGERS
Don’t worry it’s just a toy gun.
He picks it up and the onlookers duck out of the way.
CALUM RODGERS
See.
He pulls the trigger, but nothing happens aside from a click.
MISS PEABODY
Mr Rodgers.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
See kids. I told you he was a monster.
CALUM RODGERS
Sorry, Miss Peabody. It worked earlier.
INT. RAMIREZ HOUSEHOLD - EVENING
Bertie and Francesca enter the living room where Francesca is sitting on the couch.
BERTIE
Mummy, can we go somewhere this weekend?
SANTINA RAMIREZ
No
FRANCESCA
Why not?
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Because I said so
BERTIE
You used to be fun.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
That was when I was younger, married and happy. When you get older you will understand.
BERTIE
No. I don’t understand. I don’t.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Money is tight now Bertie. I have to work just to survive. Please understand. Fun costs money.
FRANCESCA
But why don’t you marry someone rich?
SANTINA RAMIREZ
I deserve to make my own choices.
BERTIE
Mr Buxtable was rich.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Yes, but he was a lousy lover. He was like a human robot.
BERTIE
What about Mr Henderson?
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Who is he?
BERTIE
Well he must be at least eighty-five and he could leave you lots of money.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Am I really the worst?
FRANCESCA
You’re the best mother in the world. At least you used to be.
SANTINA RAMIREZ
Who took my crown?
BERTIE
Ricky Ericson’s mum takes him to a different country in Europe every year.
FRANCESCA
And Racquel Smallbone’s mom gets her twenty different presents every Christmas.